Can You Be My Entertainer?

A few months ago, I joined the American Disc Jockey Association so that I could take advantage of their liability insurance.  This is ironic because before I got into standup comedy, I was a mobile disc jockey.   Now, it would appear that I’m on some sort of list because I keep getting inquiries about my services.  Here’s a sample…

CAN YOU BE MY ENTERTAINER?

Hello Mr dj,
  How is Business, My name is ___ _____.  I am presently in Nitro West Virginia here ,I work as a Videographer. The reason why I am contacting you is that my wife ___ will be Celebrating her 39th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the 7th September, 2008 and i came across your profile and services rendered more than a average performance and it is very okay by me. Please check your avalability for this date because I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. The venue address of the event is

New Jersey,  

  We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what w e only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that I can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap.

____

My response was…

Dear friend:

Congratulations to your wife on her 39th birthday.  It is a rare occasion indeed and one she won’t soon repeat until sometime next year.  I am honored that you have chosen my services for such a special occasion.  

Let me tell you a little bit about my dj service.  First of all, I’m an old school guy.  I’m not a big fan of today’s digital media and I feel that the old analog format has far superior sound quality when compared to today’s mp3 format.  This is why I use 8 track tape.  With 8 track, you don’t get any of the annoying pops or scratches that you encounter with vinyl records and the music conveniently fades down before clicking over to the next track and fading back up again.  

“What about new music,” you may ask?  Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of that by downloading new songs the old fashioned way.  I record them off of the radio, taking special care to cut out all commercials and  station chatter to give you the same pristeen quality you’re used to.  

I’ve also been playing around with a new technology called VHS tape.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but it is primarily used for recording movies and television.  A lot of people don’t realize this, but you can record just the audio onto these tapes and the result is far superior to that of cassette or 8 track tape.  A VHS tape can hold six to eight hours of music which is more than enough for your event.  I can start a tape, go have a couple of beers, come back later and the music will still be playing!  

Birthdays are a specialty of mine.  If you would like me to provide balloons or a public paddling of your wife for your invited guest, please specify the number of Cricket bats and her favorite color.  I got the idea from watching Animal House a few years ago and thought it would be a welcome addition to my services.  I would also like to recommend a wallet sized photo of your wife to prevent any embarrassing situations.

May I suggest that we meet before the event to discuss music selection.  Any local Starbucks in Nitro, West Virginia will due just fine.  I like to meet all of my clients before the event.  It’s what I like to call a personal touch.  (Plus it saves you a stamp and the trouble of mailing the deposit.)  My special method of downloading new songs onto tape could take some time if I have to wait for the station to play my request or my radio receives interference from an electrical storm during one of these sessions.  

Since I live in Canada, I’m not sure how I will move down there with all of my electronic equipment as you have suggested.  Maybe if you could provide me with a listing of apartment rentals in the area.

Here are a list of my demands…

4 hours of music, 1:00 – 5:00 PM  $2,000. 

1 VHS tape.  $4.99

1 airline ticket to Nitro, West Virginia  ???

U-Haul rental  $3,000.

Fuel charge @ projected market price of $7.00 per gal.

McDonalds Combo #1 or 3  (Supersized)  $8.99 + tx / coke

1 cricket bat   $89.99

1 bag of balloons  $1.23

1st and last months rent for an apartment in New Jersey.  ???

1 case of Molson Canadian Beer.

Please let me know if this meets your approval asap. as I have several other inquiries for that date.  I look forward to our meeting in Nitro, West Virginia.  I’ll buy the coffee!

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