WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THIS MAN?

WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THIS MAN?
I LOVE YOU DADDY!

NO.  Not even if I were in a heroin induced coma.

Yesterday, Mackenzie Phillips, former child star on the 70’s sitcom, ‘One Dad At A Time,’ dropped a huge bombshell on the Oprah Winfrey Show.  She revealed a family secret that would make even Jerry Springer blush.  Reading a passage from her new tell-all book, she described  how she woke up from a drug induced blackout to discover her panties around her ankles and her father having consensual sex with her.  That’s right!  Her famous father from the 60’s group, The MaMas and the PaPas.  WTF?  Does MaMa know PaPa has been sleeping with Baby?  That is one Monday Morning I wouldn’t want to wake up to!

First of all, sex with your father is NEVER consensual.  Well, maybe in the Appalachians.

This show interview with Mackenzie Phillips, must have been part of Oprah’s new fall, feel good series, ‘Live Your Best Life.’  Lately,  Oprah has had some very uplifting shows. First, she had the interview with Crack-ney Houston, hocking her new comeback CD, I LOOK TO YOU.  (Or, as I like to call it, songs I sing to my pipe.) Then, she had a show about  Connie Culp, the woman who had her face shot off by her husband, because she shot her mouth off one too many times. And now, may I present to you the latest addition to the Oprah Book Club.  HIGH ON ARRIVAL.  A little light reading for back-to-school.

This book is worse than airing your dirty laundry in public.  This is, “I had a little accident, and HERE are the pants I pooped in!”   YUCK!

Then, she revealed another revelation.  When she was 18 years old, Mick Jagger locked her in a room and had sex with her.  Her father stood outside, loudly pounding on the door and protesting… “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH MY DAUGHTER, AND MY WIFE?”

While telling the story, she seemed almost giddy and school-girlish .  “C’mon, who wouldn’t want to sleep with Mick Jagger?”  … ah, ME!  (Raised hand)  Not without a body condom and a hot Purell sitz bath.  Remember, when you sleep with Mick Jagger, you’re sleeping with a guy who (allegedly) ate a chocolate bar out of his Marianne Faithfull’s ass!

After all the dysfunctional details were revealed, her little anecdote about sleeping with Mick Jagger seemed almost normal.  Welcome to the new ‘normal’  – sick –



Oh No You Can’t!

Obama Daughters DollsWell, it’s happened just like I predicted.  Yesterday, I blogged about companies trying to capitalize on the popularity of the new president and his family. 

 J-Crew stock rose 10% yesterday after it was discovered that the inaugural outfits worn by Sasha and Malia were designed by the company.  Witness the power of the Obama brand.  

Heck, I haven’t even discussed the popularity of the commemorative plates!  This president could single handedly spearhead an economic turnaround through product placement.    

Now, Tyco Toys  has released two beanie baby dolls named Sasha and Malia in an attempt to exploit the popularity of the Obama girls.  Oh no you di-n’t!  SNAP!  The girls are private citizens and First Lady, Mama Obama will have none o’ dat!  

Expect a cease and desist order from the office of the First Lady.

The dolls sell for ten dollars each and all proceeds from the pending law suit will go to help feed the lawyers.

The New Generation?

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After the inauguration, like many of you, I felt moved by this historical moment with feelings of hope and the promise of change, not just for the nation but for the world!

Then, I watched a commercial that made me aware of another change.  The rebranding of Pepsi Cola.  Look at Obama’s campaign  logo on the left and the new Pepsi logo on the right.  Notice anything?

Is this the new message of change?  Yes we can, change our can?  

I don’t recall Obama mentioning Pepsi in his speech…

OBAMA:  “Each and every time, the choice of a new generation, has risen up and done what’s needed to be done. Today we are called once more — to go to the fridge – Take the Pepsi challenge, and have a Pepsi Day!  

YES WE CAN!  YES WE CAN!  YES WE CAN!

Volunteer work may require lots of energy but it also requires teeth.  Don’t expect to do any community work if you haven’t gotten a little dental work first.  

Oh well.  At least they didn’t use boobs this time.  Hey, wait a minute!

Obama and boobs!  That’s it!  GET ME OBAMA GIRL ON THE PHONE!  

Watch for more rebranding by the big corporations as they piggy back on the popularity of the new president in an attempt to capitalize on the Obama brand.

Including myself.  

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Green Rooms Must Go Green!

Graffiti.  From the early cave drawings to public bathrooms hasn’t changed much.  It’s basically a proclamation.  “I WAS HERE.”  The Comedy Club Green Room is no different.

The Green Room, (Which is very seldom green) is a place where artist can collect their thoughts before bravely stepping onto the stage.   A tough task in the Green Room of the Atlanta Punchline.  

As I look around the room, I see a few famous names.  John Witherspoon, George Lopez, Joe Rogan, John Fox.  Oh look, there’s John Fox’s name again on the opposite wall, just in case I didn’t see it the first time …or maybe he was here twice?

Why are all the names that are written the largest, the ones you don’t recognize?  (That sounded very Andy Rooney)  

There are a lot of proclamations on this wall.

I AM GOD

BILL HICKS IS GOD

I’M THE YOUNG EDDIE MURPHY  (I thought there already was one of those)

A lot of the comics seem to have an oral fixation.

I SUCK

YOU SUCK

YOU’RE GOING TO SUCK

THEY SUCK

NO, YOU SUCK.  DON’T BLAME THE AUDIENCE.

Some comics use the wall as a battle ground.  Read this exchange between two comics.

MY FIRST WEEK AT THE PUNCHLINE AND THE AUDIENCE SUCKS

NO, IT’S YOUR LAST WEEK ‘CAUSE YOU SUCK

OH, AREN’T WE THE FUNNY LITTLE OPEN MIC FAG

AND AREN’T WE THE UNFUNNY BITTER LITTLE FEATURE ACT FAG?

I assume this conversation took place over the span of several appearances.

Sometimes the graffiti is helpful.

POT’S YOUR FRIEND

GOD BLESS SCRAMBLED PORN

QUIT TRYING TO BE HICKS

WHY DON’T YOU USE SOME OF THIS CREATIVITY ON STAGE YOU HACKS!

signed Anonymous Real Comic

Then someone wrote under that,

CO-MIDDLE WITH NO BALLS   

I remember being in one club where Phylis Diller came into the Green Room, observed the mess of scribbling on the walls and demanded the room be painted.  The club owner lamented the loss of all that club history but I cheered!  ALL GREEN ROOMS MUST GO GREEN!  I can’t stand looking at all that juvenile, egotistical crap!  It’s an assault on my moment of zen.  

Hey!  I’m not without sin.  I’ve signed a few walls and drawn a few pictures, but in the end I’ve realized it’s all futile.  Leaving my mark on a tableau of plaster and paint only to find out years later that the club has been unceremoniously torn down to make way for a bank?  (Rascals, W.O.)  Today’s Green Room could be tomorrow’s Olive Garden.  Let the archaeologists sort it out.  The mark I leave behind is my life, and in time, that to will fade.