Letters To The Housekeeping Department

I got a letter from housekeeping today and I wondered what it would be like if I started writing letters back.  

7/04/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Valued Housekeeping:

I am sorry that I was not able to let you in during normal Housekeeping hours for the purpose of cleaning my room.  My hours of activity and sleep are quite abnormal when compared to your average guest.  I am quite pleased however, with the kindness and respect that you show your guest by not disturbing them when the ‘Do Not Disturb,’ sign is posted on the door.

If your fine staff of housekeepers would like to return to my room some time between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM, you would find me more receptive.  I am usually out and about during this time enjoying a late night walk in a public park. 

Thank You so much for respecting my privacy as a guest of your fine establishment.  I look forward to meeting some of your fine housekeeping staff in the future.

Thank You

Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points  

7/05/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Housekeeping

Once again, I appreciate your concern for the tidiness and sanitary condition of my room.  It is not often that a frequent business traveller like myself receives this much attention.  I regret that somehow we may have missed each other again, however, I remain hopeful that one day we will meet face to face.  Let me reiterate.  The best time to meet is between 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Your kind offer of Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries has not gone unoticed.  If I may make a special request of your hard working housekeeping staff, it would be for the provision of towels.   I would like lots and lots of towels left at my door.  As many as you can spare.  One very sharp knife or butcher blade.  A jug of strong cleaning solvent and some Extra Strength Febreeze.  30 meters of binder twine and some Sodium Peroxide or lye.  Enough to fill a bathtub.   

I hope it’s not asking too much.  You’ve all been so kind here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter and I do hate to impose upon you.  The provision of any or all said items would save me a great deal of trouble and embarrassment.

Thank You

Guest and Permanent Resident of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points

 

8/01/08

Dear Guest

For several weeks now, our Housekeeping staff has attempted to clean your room.

We have also received complaints of a strong odor coming from your room described by other guest as the smell of a dead animal.  May I remind you of our No Pet Policy here at the Comfort Suites Perimeter.  

As a courtesy to your fellow and future guest, please refrain from keeping any pets in your room.  We hope you will give this matter your imediate attention.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Management

 

Dear Management:

I find the tone of your last letter to be quite accusatory and one-sided.  You say that you have received complaints from other guest about an odor allegedly emanating from my room.  

First of all, what animal odor?  I have no dog, Gerbil or pet of any kind in my room as I am allergic to pet dander.

Secondly, who are these guest?  Why have they not voiced their disapproval to my face.  I have no problem making myself available to any guest who has a problem with the alleged smell emanating from my room.  The best time to contact me is between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.  

 I have noted this time to your Housekeeping staff in several previous letters and yet they have ignored the guidelines I’ve put in place.  I have endured several blatant attempts to invade my privacy here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter.  I find very little COMFORT in that.

In light of the situation, I have attempted to service the room myself and with very little help I might add.  Please note that my request for cleaning solvent, binder twine, a knife or butcher blade, Febreeze and lye have been completely ignored.  I’ve had to horde most of the towels myself in order to meet my original request. 

Im afraid my tenure here as a valued guest and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points may be prematurely cut short if you persist in addressing me in such a displeasurable tone.  May I remind you that a Hilton Garden Inn Suites is located directly across the street your establishment.  

Good Day Sir/Madam

 

(May not be…) Valued Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter (for much longer)

Collector of Hilton Honors Club Points

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2 thoughts on “Letters To The Housekeeping Department

  1. Lori says:

    This is pure genius!

  2. Anonymous says:

    hilarious

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