My Godmother is here! (And Candace too!) Her daughter.
This is something I really can’t think about right now. I would love to pop out and greet them but I have to stay focused. Now my nerves are really shot. What if this show is like the last one?
I’m always a wreck when family or friends come to the show. If I do well, I don’t have to explain my career choice. If I don’t do well, there’s this long, awkward, conversation afterwards.
ME
Well, I’m afraid that wasn’t my best show.
I wish you guys had seen the first show.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, I thought it was pretty good.
So who was that first guy?
He was really funny! You know him?
ME
Yeah, he’s the MC.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Do you guys travel around together?
ME
No, we’re all independent contractors.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
That one joke you did about the penguin
and the Viagara cracked me up.
ME
That wasn’t me, that was the first guy.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh yeah, he was fuuuunny!
You write all your own stuff?
ME
Yup.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
‘Cause I get all these jokes off the internet.
Gimme your e-mail, I’ll send ‘em over to you!
Some of them are pretty dirty though.
ME
Thanks, after tonight I could use the help.
(chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
So, how’s your mother doing?
ME
Oh, she’s fine, fine.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
…and your father?
ME
Oh, he’s fine too.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
You doing anything else besides this
comedy business? Any TV or movies?
ME
Nope.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
A couple of times I was thinkin’ of writing
Jay Leno a letter and asking him to put
you on there. You’d be good on there.
How long you been doing this?
ME
Twenty years.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Twenty years? My God!
I thought you’d be famous by now!
(chuckle)
ME
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
You ever work with anybody famous?
ME
Yeah, sure. Lewis Black?
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Who?
ME
Lewis Black, one of the hottest comedians out there right now.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Never heard of him.
Is he a black guy or a white guy?
ME
He’s Jewish.
FAMILY MEMBER
What about Chris Rock?
ME
I’ve met him. He’s a very nice guy.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Some of his stuff is a little dirty for my taste.
He’s funny but I don’t like it when he uses the ‘N’ word!
Who needs to listen to that crap, eh?
ME
I think he’s hysterical.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Next time you see him,
tell him to put you in one of his movies!
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
What ever happened to all that
art you used to do? You still drawing?
ME
Nope.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Seems a bit of a waste.
ME
Not really. I enjoy what I’m doing…
except for tonight that is.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Must be hard, travelling around, town to town,
doing your little skits for all those drunk people, eh?
ME
It is my mission of mercy.
(chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
I see you’ve put on a bit of weight.
(poking index finger into flabby midsection)
ME
Yeah, I’m afraid it’s all that junk food on the road.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Speaking of the road, how does your wife
like you being on the road all the time?
ME
She doesn’t.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Does she ever come with you?
ME
Vegas.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, I don’t blame her. Smart woman!
(chuckle)
ME
(…)
ME (CONTD.)
Well, I should get going…
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, you got another show?
ME
No, but I have radio tomorrow and
I’ve got to get up early. 7:00
FAMILY OR FRIEND
We were up at 5:30 this morning…
‘course we don’t have to be funny
like you do. Well c’mon hon’, we better
let the big star get his beauty sleep.
ME
Yeah, I gotta look good for the radio.
(Chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
Say hello to your mum and dad.
ME
I will.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
And call us next time you’re in town.
We’ll come out and see you!
ME
That would be great.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Especially if that first guy is with you.
That guy cracked me up. Heh, Heh.
Penguin and Viagara, I nearly wet myself.
GREG MORTON 