Month: July 2008

Letters To The Housekeeping Department

by gregmorton, posted in diary

I got a letter from housekeeping today and I wondered what it would be like if I started writing letters back.  

7/04/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Valued Housekeeping:

I am sorry that I was not able to let you in during normal Housekeeping hours for the purpose of cleaning my room.  My hours of activity and sleep are quite abnormal when compared to your average guest.  I am quite pleased however, with the kindness and respect that you show your guest by not disturbing them when the ‘Do Not Disturb,’ sign is posted on the door.

If your fine staff of housekeepers would like to return to my room some time between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM, you would find me more receptive.  I am usually out and about during this time enjoying a late night walk in a public park. 

Thank You so much for respecting my privacy as a guest of your fine establishment.  I look forward to meeting some of your fine housekeeping staff in the future.

Thank You

Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points  

7/05/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Housekeeping

Once again, I appreciate your concern for the tidiness and sanitary condition of my room.  It is not often that a frequent business traveller like myself receives this much attention.  I regret that somehow we may have missed each other again, however, I remain hopeful that one day we will meet face to face.  Let me reiterate.  The best time to meet is between 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Your kind offer of Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries has not gone unoticed.  If I may make a special request of your hard working housekeeping staff, it would be for the provision of towels.   I would like lots and lots of towels left at my door.  As many as you can spare.  One very sharp knife or butcher blade.  A jug of strong cleaning solvent and some Extra Strength Febreeze.  30 meters of binder twine and some Sodium Peroxide or lye.  Enough to fill a bathtub.   

I hope it’s not asking too much.  You’ve all been so kind here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter and I do hate to impose upon you.  The provision of any or all said items would save me a great deal of trouble and embarrassment.

Thank You

Guest and Permanent Resident of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points

 

8/01/08

Dear Guest

For several weeks now, our Housekeeping staff has attempted to clean your room.

We have also received complaints of a strong odor coming from your room described by other guest as the smell of a dead animal.  May I remind you of our No Pet Policy here at the Comfort Suites Perimeter.  

As a courtesy to your fellow and future guest, please refrain from keeping any pets in your room.  We hope you will give this matter your imediate attention.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Management

 

Dear Management:

I find the tone of your last letter to be quite accusatory and one-sided.  You say that you have received complaints from other guest about an odor allegedly emanating from my room.  

First of all, what animal odor?  I have no dog, Gerbil or pet of any kind in my room as I am allergic to pet dander.

Secondly, who are these guest?  Why have they not voiced their disapproval to my face.  I have no problem making myself available to any guest who has a problem with the alleged smell emanating from my room.  The best time to contact me is between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.  

 I have noted this time to your Housekeeping staff in several previous letters and yet they have ignored the guidelines I’ve put in place.  I have endured several blatant attempts to invade my privacy here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter.  I find very little COMFORT in that.

In light of the situation, I have attempted to service the room myself and with very little help I might add.  Please note that my request for cleaning solvent, binder twine, a knife or butcher blade, Febreeze and lye have been completely ignored.  I’ve had to horde most of the towels myself in order to meet my original request. 

Im afraid my tenure here as a valued guest and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points may be prematurely cut short if you persist in addressing me in such a displeasurable tone.  May I remind you that a Hilton Garden Inn Suites is located directly across the street your establishment.  

Good Day Sir/Madam

 

(May not be…) Valued Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter (for much longer)

Collector of Hilton Honors Club Points

Green Rooms Must Go Green!

by gregmorton, posted in Rants

Graffiti.  From the early cave drawings to public bathrooms hasn’t changed much.  It’s basically a proclamation.  “I WAS HERE.”  The Comedy Club Green Room is no different.

The Green Room, (Which is very seldom green) is a place where artist can collect their thoughts before bravely stepping onto the stage.   A tough task in the Green Room of the Atlanta Punchline.  

As I look around the room, I see a few famous names.  John Witherspoon, George Lopez, Joe Rogan, John Fox.  Oh look, there’s John Fox’s name again on the opposite wall, just in case I didn’t see it the first time …or maybe he was here twice?

Why are all the names that are written the largest, the ones you don’t recognize?  (That sounded very Andy Rooney)  

There are a lot of proclamations on this wall.

I AM GOD

BILL HICKS IS GOD

I’M THE YOUNG EDDIE MURPHY  (I thought there already was one of those)

A lot of the comics seem to have an oral fixation.

I SUCK

YOU SUCK

YOU’RE GOING TO SUCK

THEY SUCK

NO, YOU SUCK.  DON’T BLAME THE AUDIENCE.

Some comics use the wall as a battle ground.  Read this exchange between two comics.

MY FIRST WEEK AT THE PUNCHLINE AND THE AUDIENCE SUCKS

NO, IT’S YOUR LAST WEEK ‘CAUSE YOU SUCK

OH, AREN’T WE THE FUNNY LITTLE OPEN MIC FAG

AND AREN’T WE THE UNFUNNY BITTER LITTLE FEATURE ACT FAG?

I assume this conversation took place over the span of several appearances.

Sometimes the graffiti is helpful.

POT’S YOUR FRIEND

GOD BLESS SCRAMBLED PORN

QUIT TRYING TO BE HICKS

WHY DON’T YOU USE SOME OF THIS CREATIVITY ON STAGE YOU HACKS!

signed Anonymous Real Comic

Then someone wrote under that,

CO-MIDDLE WITH NO BALLS   

I remember being in one club where Phylis Diller came into the Green Room, observed the mess of scribbling on the walls and demanded the room be painted.  The club owner lamented the loss of all that club history but I cheered!  ALL GREEN ROOMS MUST GO GREEN!  I can’t stand looking at all that juvenile, egotistical crap!  It’s an assault on my moment of zen.  

Hey!  I’m not without sin.  I’ve signed a few walls and drawn a few pictures, but in the end I’ve realized it’s all futile.  Leaving my mark on a tableau of plaster and paint only to find out years later that the club has been unceremoniously torn down to make way for a bank?  (Rascals, W.O.)  Today’s Green Room could be tomorrow’s Olive Garden.  Let the archaeologists sort it out.  The mark I leave behind is my life, and in time, that to will fade.

Can You Be My Entertainer?

by gregmorton, posted in diary

A few months ago, I joined the American Disc Jockey Association so that I could take advantage of their liability insurance.  This is ironic because before I got into standup comedy, I was a mobile disc jockey.   Now, it would appear that I’m on some sort of list because I keep getting inquiries about my services.  Here’s a sample…

CAN YOU BE MY ENTERTAINER?

Hello Mr dj,
  How is Business, My name is ___ _____.  I am presently in Nitro West Virginia here ,I work as a Videographer. The reason why I am contacting you is that my wife ___ will be Celebrating her 39th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the 7th September, 2008 and i came across your profile and services rendered more than a average performance and it is very okay by me. Please check your avalability for this date because I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. The venue address of the event is

New Jersey,  

  We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what w e only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that I can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap.

____

My response was…

Dear friend:

Congratulations to your wife on her 39th birthday.  It is a rare occasion indeed and one she won’t soon repeat until sometime next year.  I am honored that you have chosen my services for such a special occasion.  

Let me tell you a little bit about my dj service.  First of all, I’m an old school guy.  I’m not a big fan of today’s digital media and I feel that the old analog format has far superior sound quality when compared to today’s mp3 format.  This is why I use 8 track tape.  With 8 track, you don’t get any of the annoying pops or scratches that you encounter with vinyl records and the music conveniently fades down before clicking over to the next track and fading back up again.  

“What about new music,” you may ask?  Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of that by downloading new songs the old fashioned way.  I record them off of the radio, taking special care to cut out all commercials and  station chatter to give you the same pristeen quality you’re used to.  

I’ve also been playing around with a new technology called VHS tape.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but it is primarily used for recording movies and television.  A lot of people don’t realize this, but you can record just the audio onto these tapes and the result is far superior to that of cassette or 8 track tape.  A VHS tape can hold six to eight hours of music which is more than enough for your event.  I can start a tape, go have a couple of beers, come back later and the music will still be playing!  

Birthdays are a specialty of mine.  If you would like me to provide balloons or a public paddling of your wife for your invited guest, please specify the number of Cricket bats and her favorite color.  I got the idea from watching Animal House a few years ago and thought it would be a welcome addition to my services.  I would also like to recommend a wallet sized photo of your wife to prevent any embarrassing situations.

May I suggest that we meet before the event to discuss music selection.  Any local Starbucks in Nitro, West Virginia will due just fine.  I like to meet all of my clients before the event.  It’s what I like to call a personal touch.  (Plus it saves you a stamp and the trouble of mailing the deposit.)  My special method of downloading new songs onto tape could take some time if I have to wait for the station to play my request or my radio receives interference from an electrical storm during one of these sessions.  

Since I live in Canada, I’m not sure how I will move down there with all of my electronic equipment as you have suggested.  Maybe if you could provide me with a listing of apartment rentals in the area.

Here are a list of my demands…

4 hours of music, 1:00 – 5:00 PM  $2,000. 

1 VHS tape.  $4.99

1 airline ticket to Nitro, West Virginia  ???

U-Haul rental  $3,000.

Fuel charge @ projected market price of $7.00 per gal.

McDonalds Combo #1 or 3  (Supersized)  $8.99 + tx / coke

1 cricket bat   $89.99

1 bag of balloons  $1.23

1st and last months rent for an apartment in New Jersey.  ???

1 case of Molson Canadian Beer.

Please let me know if this meets your approval asap. as I have several other inquiries for that date.  I look forward to our meeting in Nitro, West Virginia.  I’ll buy the coffee!