I saw Greg Morton on stage for the first time in Cleveland last night. I have been to over a hundred comedy shows over my 49 years, This was one of the funniest shows I have ever seen! I actually hurt today from laughing so hard last night. His energy and style is unmathced!!!! Please let him know.Allen Honey
I love children, they’re soooo tastey!
Craigslist Ad
Hilarities Fan Pic
This picture was taken at Hilarities in Cleveland and was sent to me by Sonja Gavitt. 
Bob and Tom Comedy All Stars Tour
I am happy to announce that I will be one of the performers on the Bob and Tom Comedy All Stars Tour.For more details and future tour dates, or for minor irritation, check this blog frequently. Or visit BOBandTOM.com. CANADIAN MIST PRESENTS BOB & TOM COMEDY ALLSTARS THE PAGEANT ST. LOUIS 21 & UP ONLY SAT MAR 08 2008 7:00PM
The Pageant
6161 Delmar Blvd.
St. Louis MO 63112
Phone: 314-726-6161
Happy then, happy now!
This is me, at a year old.
Mike Huckabee for President?
Before we vote in another leader of the free world who has little or no knowledge of foreign affairs, watch this clip with comedian Rick Mercer from the Canadian show, ‘This Hour has 22 Minutes.’
Benefit for the American Heart Association
Proving that laughter is good for the heart as well as the soul, I am proud to announce that I will be performing at a special benefit for the American Heart Association with actor/comedian Billy Gardell from the hit TV show, ‘My Name is Earl,’ and Carnival Cruise Line’s Comedian of the Year, Al Ernst. The event takes place at 8:00 PM Saturday, Feb. 9th at the Macon City Auditorium in Macon, Georgia. This is a show that should not be missed. For more information, please call (478) 405-3200. Learn and live everyone!poster2008.pdf
Microsoft, you have a problem.
DON’T BUY AN XBOX 360!
That’s right, you heard me!
DON’T BUY THIS STINKING PIECE OF CHEAP PLASTIC CRAP!
The console needs a major redesign. It has a 33% failure rate, t’s flawed, and they know it. Why do you think they’re spending over a billion dollars in repairs.
If you’re a 360 fanboy and your Xbox breaks down, I say again…
DON’T BUY ANOTHER ONE! Don’t reward these pin heads for their piss poor product! It’s made in China at the same place they make dog food and toys with lead paint.
I guess you can tell by the above rant that my Xbox 360 broke down.
I had just purchased a brand new copy of Bio Shock. The shooter that has been hailed as potential game of the year. Am I psyched? You bet!
I turn the machine on. Place the disc in the tray. Press start and I’m no more than two minutes into the CG intro when the screen freezes.
Am I bummed out? That’s an understatement. How can this be my fault? I haven’t touched the machine in over three freakin’ weeks. I know it wasn’t an act of God because God loves me and he would never want me to stop playing video games.
I called Microsoft and they showed me no love. No sympathy. No compassion. I know that’s hard to do when you live half way ‘round the world. (I know you live half way round the world Mr. Tech Support because your name is RV, and I don’t know anyone named after a large recreational vehicle.)
They asked me to send them $100. for repairs because my one year warranty was up. My machine is barely a year and a half old. SCREW YOU!
MICROSOFT, knows they have a defective product and they want ME to send THEM $100. to fix THEIR defective product? It’s not just the three red rings of death. Screen freezing is an issue. Take a look on the internet. I spent over an hour watching Youtube videos and reading forum postings about this problem. They should be paying me a hundred dollars for the inconvenience of going to the post office and sending in my machine.
I don’t think that purchasing a piece of electronic equipment and expecting it to last for more than a year is an unrealistic expectation. ESPECIALLY WHEN I’VE PAID $400. FOR IT!
There should be a class action law suit against Bill Gates and these clowns. This is not a paper hat. It’s a $400. machine.
I have 26 games and most of them are $60 a piece. I have an extra controller, two head sets and a freakin’ plastic guitar! For the love of God, how about some loyalty here! Your faulty product breaks down and I have to send YOU a hundred dollars. NEWS FLASH! You’re not the only next gen gaming console out there!
They told me when I get it back, I have the option of buying an extended warranty.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO BUY AN EXTENDED WARRANTY? It’s almost like buying protection from the mob.
STORE
Okay, that’ll be $399 plus tax.
You wanna get the extended
warranty with that?
CONSUMER
No thanks.
STORE
You know, you’re only covered
for 90 days. If something were to
happen… let’s say… it BREAKS!
CONSUMER
My 360 is going to break?
I’m paying $400 for something
that’s going to break in three months…
STORE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You puttin’ words
in my mouth over here? I didn’t say dat. .
Duh Tree-Sixty is a very good product.
I’m just sayin’, shit happens, you know?
You might wanna tink about
protectin’ your investment.
CONSUMER
How much is the extended warranty?
STORE
200 bucks.
CONSUMER
200 BUCKS?!
I’M PAYING 400 BUCKS FOR THE
DAMN THING AND YOU WANT ME TO…
STORE
Whoa, whoa, whoa, keep your voice down, all right?
Now look, Mr. ah… ah…
CONSUMER
Sucker.
STORE
Mr. Sucker. You look like a
pretty reasonable guy, am I right?
…and you certainly
don’t look like someone who was born a minute ago.
Let’s say somethin’ were to happen,
like, let’s say when you leave here, poor old
Mr. Xbox happened to have a little
accident or somthin?
You bring it in, we take care of it,
no questions asked.
CONSUMER
No questions asked?
STORE
No questions asked.
CONSUMER
Oh, well… all right
Where do I bend over, I mean sign?
STORE
Right here, and believe me,
you won’t be sorry. You’re not just
buying an extended warranty.
You’re buying piece of mind. .
CONSUMER
Thanks.
STORE
So long, Sucker!
Dear XBOX 360,
Why have you forsaken me?
I paid my money, I took you home.
I kept you well ventilated and left you alone.
I put a fresh disc in your tray every day.
We watched movies together. Oh, the games we would play.
I’ve bragged about you to my Playstation friends.
We’ve played LIVE on the internet with other strange men.
Some say you’re too hot. They laugh and they scoff.
My wife says you sound like a jet taking off.
You awarded achievement points, for every goal I achieved.
I thought those points meant something, that’s what I believed.
I gave you the best gaming hours of my life
And this is how you repay me?
Good-bye and goodnight!
Whore!
I’m going to go play with my Wii.
…that is, if I can find one.
by Greg Morton
Your Family Is Here… No Pressure!
My Godmother is here! (And Candace too!) Her daughter.
This is something I really can’t think about right now. I would love to pop out and greet them but I have to stay focused. Now my nerves are really shot. What if this show is like the last one?
I’m always a wreck when family or friends come to the show. If I do well, I don’t have to explain my career choice. If I don’t do well, there’s this long, awkward, conversation afterwards.
ME
Well, I’m afraid that wasn’t my best show.
I wish you guys had seen the first show.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, I thought it was pretty good.
So who was that first guy?
He was really funny! You know him?
ME
Yeah, he’s the MC.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Do you guys travel around together?
ME
No, we’re all independent contractors.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
That one joke you did about the penguin
and the Viagara cracked me up.
ME
That wasn’t me, that was the first guy.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh yeah, he was fuuuunny!
You write all your own stuff?
ME
Yup.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
‘Cause I get all these jokes off the internet.
Gimme your e-mail, I’ll send ‘em over to you!
Some of them are pretty dirty though.
ME
Thanks, after tonight I could use the help.
(chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
So, how’s your mother doing?
ME
Oh, she’s fine, fine.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
…and your father?
ME
Oh, he’s fine too.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
You doing anything else besides this
comedy business? Any TV or movies?
ME
Nope.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
A couple of times I was thinkin’ of writing
Jay Leno a letter and asking him to put
you on there. You’d be good on there.
How long you been doing this?
ME
Twenty years.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Twenty years? My God!
I thought you’d be famous by now!
(chuckle)
ME
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
You ever work with anybody famous?
ME
Yeah, sure. Lewis Black?
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Who?
ME
Lewis Black, one of the hottest comedians out there right now.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Never heard of him.
Is he a black guy or a white guy?
ME
He’s Jewish.
FAMILY MEMBER
What about Chris Rock?
ME
I’ve met him. He’s a very nice guy.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Some of his stuff is a little dirty for my taste.
He’s funny but I don’t like it when he uses the ‘N’ word!
Who needs to listen to that crap, eh?
ME
I think he’s hysterical.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Next time you see him,
tell him to put you in one of his movies!
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
What ever happened to all that
art you used to do? You still drawing?
ME
Nope.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Seems a bit of a waste.
ME
Not really. I enjoy what I’m doing…
except for tonight that is.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Must be hard, travelling around, town to town,
doing your little skits for all those drunk people, eh?
ME
It is my mission of mercy.
(chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
I see you’ve put on a bit of weight.
(poking index finger into flabby midsection)
ME
Yeah, I’m afraid it’s all that junk food on the road.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Speaking of the road, how does your wife
like you being on the road all the time?
ME
She doesn’t.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Does she ever come with you?
ME
Vegas.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, I don’t blame her. Smart woman!
(chuckle)
ME
(…)
ME (CONTD.)
Well, I should get going…
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Oh, you got another show?
ME
No, but I have radio tomorrow and
I’ve got to get up early. 7:00
FAMILY OR FRIEND
We were up at 5:30 this morning…
‘course we don’t have to be funny
like you do. Well c’mon hon’, we better
let the big star get his beauty sleep.
ME
Yeah, I gotta look good for the radio.
(Chuckle)
FAMILY OR FRIEND
(…)
FAMILY OR FRIEND (CONTD)
Say hello to your mum and dad.
ME
I will.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
And call us next time you’re in town.
We’ll come out and see you!
ME
That would be great.
FAMILY OR FRIEND
Especially if that first guy is with you.
That guy cracked me up. Heh, Heh.
Penguin and Viagara, I nearly wet myself.
GREG MORTON 