Category Archives: diary

BOB AND THE SHOWGRAM

If you’re not from the Raleigh/Durham area, you’re probably thinking, what in the hell is BOB AND THE SHOWGRAM?  Who the hell is Bob?  What’s a Showgram and can I use the word ‘showgram’ in Scrabble?

I don’t think you’ll find ‘showgram’ in the Scrabble dictionary, but you will find BOB AND THE SHOWGRAM, weekday mornings, from 6:00 to 10:00 am on G105 and 105.7   The show originates from WDGC in Raleigh-Durham.

Bob Dumas, self professed redneck, host the show along with comedy junky, Mike Morse and Kentucky Kristin.  Every morning, they parade a plethora of political incorrectness in front of their listeners.  You won’t find better bunch of morning misfits than this F-ed up crew.  If you don’t believe me, listen for yourself on their weekly podcast or check out Showgram on Demand.

I performed OBAMA MAN and my two minute STAR WARS, in front of their live studio audience of Showgram fans,

BOB AND THE SHOWGRAM

BOB AND THE SHOWGRAM

while the smell of Bojangles and freshly cut watermelon wafted through the studio. (Bojangles Chicken ‘n Biscuits, the cornerstone of every southern breakfast)

When I walked into the studio they offered me Bojangles.  I’m sorry but I can’t eat that shit THAT early in the morning!  I just got my Wii weight down to 176 and I ain’t changing that for nobody!

Let me give you an idea of how crazy things can get on the show.  On this particular morning, one of the interns licked the toes of one of their Showgram fans!  I’m sorry but I cannot eat that shit THAT early in the morning!  I’d rather have Bojangles!

No wonder they have an want ad for interns on their Facebook page.

Advertisements

Toronto Zombie Walk 2009

P9120008.JPG (Screening of Night of the Living Dead in Dundas SQ.)

I love zombies.

I mean, I hate zombies!

And yet, I’m drawn to them.  I guess I love to hate zombies.

If you moan around me like a zombie, it irritates me.  Please,  don’t do that!

That’s why, this past Saturday, Sept. 12th, I had to attend the  7th annual Toronto Zombie Walk.

Highlights included a zombie walk through downtown Toronto, a screening of the 1968 zombie hit, Night of the Living Dead, and the presentation of an honorary Canadian citizenship to director George A. Romero.

There were several people dressed as zombies.  One woman was dressed as Uma Thurman from Kill Bill Volume 1 ??? WTF?  What does Kill Bill have to do with zombies?  Can someone explain this to me?

Next time you watch Night of the Living Dead, listen to the music score.  Doesn’t it sound a lot like the theatrical score of the Werewolf movie in the music video, Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

URRRRRRRRRRGH!

Greg Morton attacked by Zombies in Dundas Square in Toronto

Greg Morton attacked by Zombies in Dundas Square in Toronto

Top 5 favorite Zombie Movies!

1) Night of the Living Dead (My first. I Saw this with my Dad at a late night screening in my hometown)

2) Dawn of the Dead (I love both the original and the remake shot in Toronto)

3) Shaun of the Dead (Hilarious!  Although I would never throw my records at zombies.)

4) Return of the Living Dead (Brrrrrrrrraaaaaaaains!  Hilarious!)

5) Resident Evil (Sorry Roger Ebert, but I love this Trilogy)  (The second one was shot in Toronto!)

Top 5 Zombie Video Games!

1) Resident Evil (All Games on Multiple Platforms)

2) Left 4 Dead (Xbox 360)

3) The House of the Dead OVERKILL (Wii)

4)  House of the Dead 2 / Typing of the Dead (Sega Dreamcast)

5)Dead Rising (XBOX 360)

Greg Morton Homecoming

They say you can never go home but on March 7th of this year, I returned to my hometown of Woodstock, Ontario to perform at a special fundraiser for the Woodstock Big Sisters and College Avenue Secondary School.

I will always remember the great teachers and staff at my former high school. (C.A.S.S.) Some of whom were a great inspiration to me.

I would like to extend a special thanks to my dear friend, Sandra Brown who made the whole thing possible.

In what seems like a previous life, Sandra and I first met at one of my teen dances. I was a mobile disc jockey back in the 80’s. I called myself, Greg Morton, that crazy DJ, and I used to put on costumes. (Kind of like now.) Sandra and a mutual friend of ours, Jeff Patterson, won first prize in a dance contest!

Here’s a copy of the online article I found from the local paper…

COMEDY NIGHT 2009

Comedy night brings cause $19,000
Posted By Hugo Rodrigues, STAFF WRITER – Sentinel ReviewMarch 9 2009
The March 7 Comedy Night in support of Big Brothers Big Sisters of Woodstock and District and the College Avenue gym floor raised almost $20,000.
Big Brothers Big Sisters board member, CASS grad and comedy night organizer Sandra Brown said the event held at the Oxford Auditorium and featuring Greg Morton and Deb DiGiovanni raised approximately $19,000. The amount will be evenly split between the service agency and the high school’s gym floor fundraising campaign.

“We had close to 1,000 people there, which is more than the 750 we had out the last time,” Brown said Thursday. “Having two groups behind it helped us a lot– it was a bigger volunteer base to draw from and use to spread the word.”

Brown said e-mail and social networks also played a huge part in promoting the event.

DiGiovanni opened the night with an approximately 40-minute set, touching on her Tillsonburg roots and her experiences living and working in Toronto.

Morton followed, opening his set asking who’d moved the Springbank Snow Countess. He performed for over an hour, peppering his routine with local references and memories of his days living in the FriendlyCity. He capped off the routine with a string of impersonations, including Mick Jagger, James Brown, Prince and Tina Turner

Special shout out to my favorite comedian, Debra DiGiovanni

If anyone has any special photos of the event or memories they’d like to share, please send them to me at mrmorton2u@aol.com.

Obama Man Goes Viral! 2 Million Views on YouTube!

Well, it’s happened. Obama Man, the song parody about President Obama performed on The Bob and Tom Show just two months ago has reached over 2 million views. It’s simply mind boggling!

I have a few other clips that have been posted on YouTube like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Hurricane MOFO, but none of them have surpassed 100,000 views.

2 weeks ago, I got a call from Tom of the Bob and Tom Show telling me the clip had gone viral. “Have you seen this thing?” I don’t know if you’re aware, but this clip has a million hits on YouTube.” Now, it’s a week later and it has reached over 2 MILLION. I’m simply gob smacked.

Since then, I’ve performed the song live at numerous venues across the county to a very positive response.

So what’s next? Well, there’s talk of a more visually elaborate version with revamped lyrics. I guess I’ll just ride the train and see where it takes me. I just hope I don’t have some kind of Susan Boyle breakdown!

Special thanks to everyone at the Bob and Tom Show! Without them, this wouldn’t be possible.

Morton Unleashed!

Sept. 23 I made a lengthy trip to L.A. to record an episode of Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen.  

It was a lot of fun, but I almost didn’t make it.  My flight was delayed and I missed my connection.  They inspected the plane and found a bird caught in the engine.  

Hey, if it’s between a bird and a 747, the 747 is going to win every time.  Right?  Heh, heh.  

Plus, there’s more than one engine on a 747. 

I guess there’s a hell of a lot more birds too!  

Yeah, that would be my luck.  I’m off to one of my first big breaks in Hollywood and the damn plane crashes.

The episode should air in a couple of weeks on the CW network.  Check your local listings for channel and time.  I’ll keep you posted.

Hmm… Maybe I should drive to my gig in Louisville this week.

Letters To The Housekeeping Department

I got a letter from housekeeping today and I wondered what it would be like if I started writing letters back.  

7/04/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Valued Housekeeping:

I am sorry that I was not able to let you in during normal Housekeeping hours for the purpose of cleaning my room.  My hours of activity and sleep are quite abnormal when compared to your average guest.  I am quite pleased however, with the kindness and respect that you show your guest by not disturbing them when the ‘Do Not Disturb,’ sign is posted on the door.

If your fine staff of housekeepers would like to return to my room some time between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM, you would find me more receptive.  I am usually out and about during this time enjoying a late night walk in a public park. 

Thank You so much for respecting my privacy as a guest of your fine establishment.  I look forward to meeting some of your fine housekeeping staff in the future.

Thank You

Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points  

7/05/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

 

Dear Housekeeping

Once again, I appreciate your concern for the tidiness and sanitary condition of my room.  It is not often that a frequent business traveller like myself receives this much attention.  I regret that somehow we may have missed each other again, however, I remain hopeful that one day we will meet face to face.  Let me reiterate.  The best time to meet is between 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Your kind offer of Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries has not gone unoticed.  If I may make a special request of your hard working housekeeping staff, it would be for the provision of towels.   I would like lots and lots of towels left at my door.  As many as you can spare.  One very sharp knife or butcher blade.  A jug of strong cleaning solvent and some Extra Strength Febreeze.  30 meters of binder twine and some Sodium Peroxide or lye.  Enough to fill a bathtub.   

I hope it’s not asking too much.  You’ve all been so kind here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter and I do hate to impose upon you.  The provision of any or all said items would save me a great deal of trouble and embarrassment.

Thank You

Guest and Permanent Resident of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points

 

8/01/08

Dear Guest

For several weeks now, our Housekeeping staff has attempted to clean your room.

We have also received complaints of a strong odor coming from your room described by other guest as the smell of a dead animal.  May I remind you of our No Pet Policy here at the Comfort Suites Perimeter.  

As a courtesy to your fellow and future guest, please refrain from keeping any pets in your room.  We hope you will give this matter your imediate attention.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Management

 

Dear Management:

I find the tone of your last letter to be quite accusatory and one-sided.  You say that you have received complaints from other guest about an odor allegedly emanating from my room.  

First of all, what animal odor?  I have no dog, Gerbil or pet of any kind in my room as I am allergic to pet dander.

Secondly, who are these guest?  Why have they not voiced their disapproval to my face.  I have no problem making myself available to any guest who has a problem with the alleged smell emanating from my room.  The best time to contact me is between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.  

 I have noted this time to your Housekeeping staff in several previous letters and yet they have ignored the guidelines I’ve put in place.  I have endured several blatant attempts to invade my privacy here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter.  I find very little COMFORT in that.

In light of the situation, I have attempted to service the room myself and with very little help I might add.  Please note that my request for cleaning solvent, binder twine, a knife or butcher blade, Febreeze and lye have been completely ignored.  I’ve had to horde most of the towels myself in order to meet my original request. 

Im afraid my tenure here as a valued guest and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points may be prematurely cut short if you persist in addressing me in such a displeasurable tone.  May I remind you that a Hilton Garden Inn Suites is located directly across the street your establishment.  

Good Day Sir/Madam

 

(May not be…) Valued Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter (for much longer)

Collector of Hilton Honors Club Points

Can You Be My Entertainer?

A few months ago, I joined the American Disc Jockey Association so that I could take advantage of their liability insurance.  This is ironic because before I got into standup comedy, I was a mobile disc jockey.   Now, it would appear that I’m on some sort of list because I keep getting inquiries about my services.  Here’s a sample…

CAN YOU BE MY ENTERTAINER?

Hello Mr dj,
  How is Business, My name is ___ _____.  I am presently in Nitro West Virginia here ,I work as a Videographer. The reason why I am contacting you is that my wife ___ will be Celebrating her 39th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the 7th September, 2008 and i came across your profile and services rendered more than a average performance and it is very okay by me. Please check your avalability for this date because I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. The venue address of the event is

New Jersey,  

  We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what w e only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that I can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap.

____

My response was…

Dear friend:

Congratulations to your wife on her 39th birthday.  It is a rare occasion indeed and one she won’t soon repeat until sometime next year.  I am honored that you have chosen my services for such a special occasion.  

Let me tell you a little bit about my dj service.  First of all, I’m an old school guy.  I’m not a big fan of today’s digital media and I feel that the old analog format has far superior sound quality when compared to today’s mp3 format.  This is why I use 8 track tape.  With 8 track, you don’t get any of the annoying pops or scratches that you encounter with vinyl records and the music conveniently fades down before clicking over to the next track and fading back up again.  

“What about new music,” you may ask?  Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of that by downloading new songs the old fashioned way.  I record them off of the radio, taking special care to cut out all commercials and  station chatter to give you the same pristeen quality you’re used to.  

I’ve also been playing around with a new technology called VHS tape.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but it is primarily used for recording movies and television.  A lot of people don’t realize this, but you can record just the audio onto these tapes and the result is far superior to that of cassette or 8 track tape.  A VHS tape can hold six to eight hours of music which is more than enough for your event.  I can start a tape, go have a couple of beers, come back later and the music will still be playing!  

Birthdays are a specialty of mine.  If you would like me to provide balloons or a public paddling of your wife for your invited guest, please specify the number of Cricket bats and her favorite color.  I got the idea from watching Animal House a few years ago and thought it would be a welcome addition to my services.  I would also like to recommend a wallet sized photo of your wife to prevent any embarrassing situations.

May I suggest that we meet before the event to discuss music selection.  Any local Starbucks in Nitro, West Virginia will due just fine.  I like to meet all of my clients before the event.  It’s what I like to call a personal touch.  (Plus it saves you a stamp and the trouble of mailing the deposit.)  My special method of downloading new songs onto tape could take some time if I have to wait for the station to play my request or my radio receives interference from an electrical storm during one of these sessions.  

Since I live in Canada, I’m not sure how I will move down there with all of my electronic equipment as you have suggested.  Maybe if you could provide me with a listing of apartment rentals in the area.

Here are a list of my demands…

4 hours of music, 1:00 – 5:00 PM  $2,000. 

1 VHS tape.  $4.99

1 airline ticket to Nitro, West Virginia  ???

U-Haul rental  $3,000.

Fuel charge @ projected market price of $7.00 per gal.

McDonalds Combo #1 or 3  (Supersized)  $8.99 + tx / coke

1 cricket bat   $89.99

1 bag of balloons  $1.23

1st and last months rent for an apartment in New Jersey.  ???

1 case of Molson Canadian Beer.

Please let me know if this meets your approval asap. as I have several other inquiries for that date.  I look forward to our meeting in Nitro, West Virginia.  I’ll buy the coffee!

GTA IV, Time to do some lines.

Last night, I picked up my copy of GTA IV.  I live in downtown Toronto so I took my wife for protection and my camera to capture the circus.  Here’s what I learned…

  • A lot of gamers do not bathe
  • A line up for GTA IV is not a good place to meet girls
  • Crack addicts see line ups as an economic opportunity

I picked up the special edition, which comes with a safety deposit lock box, tote bag, music cd, hard cover art book, one month subscription to xbox live, Liberty City Subway map, and GTA IV video game for the 360.  Nice package and very impressive!

The line ups had an average of 100 to 200 people in them.  

Futureshop was the most fun with free hats and a live DJ.  One kid in line at the Futureshop won a Playstation 3!  The wait, however, was considerably longer than Game Shack.  

Game Shack had one of the shortest and most efficient lines.  Game Shack patrons were coming out of the mall three minutes after twelve with their special edition GTA IV packages, and posters held high while performing a victory dance.  

The Best Buy line up had the most media coverage but appeared the most tepid in mood and creativity.  A mock Liberty City squad car with two uniformed gum-smacking models swinging night sticks?  LAME!  … and they gave away fuzzy dice.  ???

EB Gamestop had the most orderly lineup.  Situated inside the quiet, climate controlled Eaton Centre, I spotted over 100 GTA faithful sitting in a lotus position, quietly playing their Nintendo DS with ipod buds stuffed in their ears.

I found the over reaction of the local Po’ Po’ to be quite humorous.  I’ve never seen so many squad cars sitting two abreast, waiting for a bunch of nerds to start simulating their favorite M rated video game by car jacking someone, and driving off with a 4 star wanted level.  It’s a video game people!  Relax!  

 

Advertisements