Author: gregmorton

I got a letter from housekeeping today and I wondered what it would be like if I started writing letters back.  

7/04/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

Dear Valued Housekeeping:

I am sorry that I was not able to let you in during normal Housekeeping hours for the purpose of cleaning my room.  My hours of activity and sleep are quite abnormal when compared to your average guest.  I am quite pleased however, with the kindness and respect that you show your guest by not disturbing them when the ‘Do Not Disturb,’ sign is posted on the door.

If your fine staff of housekeepers would like to return to my room some time between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM, you would find me more receptive.  I am usually out and about during this time enjoying a late night walk in a public park. 

Thank You so much for respecting my privacy as a guest of your fine establishment.  I look forward to meeting some of your fine housekeeping staff in the future.

Thank You

Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points  

7/05/08

Dear Valued Guest:

We are sorry we missed you today, but the Do Not Disturb sign was posted on your room door today during Housekeeping normal hours and so therefore your room was not disturbed for cleaning purposes.

IF you need Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries don’t hesitate to call down to Guest Services where they will provide you what you need.

We hope you are enjoying your Stay here.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Housekeeping Department

Dear Housekeeping

Once again, I appreciate your concern for the tidiness and sanitary condition of my room.  It is not often that a frequent business traveller like myself receives this much attention.  I regret that somehow we may have missed each other again, however, I remain hopeful that one day we will meet face to face.  Let me reiterate.  The best time to meet is between 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Your kind offer of Fresh Towels, Soap or other Toiletries has not gone unoticed.  If I may make a special request of your hard working housekeeping staff, it would be for the provision of towels.   I would like lots and lots of towels left at my door.  As many as you can spare.  One very sharp knife or butcher blade.  A jug of strong cleaning solvent and some Extra Strength Febreeze.  30 meters of binder twine and some Sodium Peroxide or lye.  Enough to fill a bathtub.   

I hope it’s not asking too much.  You’ve all been so kind here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter and I do hate to impose upon you.  The provision of any or all said items would save me a great deal of trouble and embarrassment.

Thank You

Guest and Permanent Resident of Comfort Suites Perimeter

Business Traveler and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points

8/01/08

Dear Guest

For several weeks now, our Housekeeping staff has attempted to clean your room.

We have also received complaints of a strong odor coming from your room described by other guest as the smell of a dead animal.  May I remind you of our No Pet Policy here at the Comfort Suites Perimeter.  

As a courtesy to your fellow and future guest, please refrain from keeping any pets in your room.  We hope you will give this matter your imediate attention.

Thank You

Comfort Suites Perimeter

Management

Dear Management:

I find the tone of your last letter to be quite accusatory and one-sided.  You say that you have received complaints from other guest about an odor allegedly emanating from my room.  

First of all, what animal odor?  I have no dog, Gerbil or pet of any kind in my room as I am allergic to pet dander.

Secondly, who are these guest?  Why have they not voiced their disapproval to my face.  I have no problem making myself available to any guest who has a problem with the alleged smell emanating from my room.  The best time to contact me is between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM.  

 I have noted this time to your Housekeeping staff in several previous letters and yet they have ignored the guidelines I’ve put in place.  I have endured several blatant attempts to invade my privacy here at the Comfort Suites Perimiter.  I find very little COMFORT in that.

In light of the situation, I have attempted to service the room myself and with very little help I might add.  Please note that my request for cleaning solvent, binder twine, a knife or butcher blade, Febreeze and lye have been completely ignored.  I’ve had to horde most of the towels myself in order to meet my original request. 

Im afraid my tenure here as a valued guest and collector of Frequent Stay Reward Points may be prematurely cut short if you persist in addressing me in such a displeasurable tone.  May I remind you that a Hilton Garden Inn Suites is located directly across the street your establishment.  

Good Day Sir/Madam

(May not be…) Valued Guest of Comfort Suites Perimeter (for much longer)

Collector of Hilton Honors Club Points

A few months ago, I joined the American Disc Jockey Association so that I could take advantage of their liability insurance.  This is ironic because before I got into standup comedy, I was a mobile disc jockey.   Now, it would appear that I’m on some sort of list because I keep getting inquiries about my services.  Here’s a sample…

CAN YOU BE MY ENTERTAINER?

Hello Mr dj,
  How is Business, My name is ___ _____.  I am presently in Nitro West Virginia here ,I work as a Videographer. The reason why I am contacting you is that my wife ___ will be Celebrating her 39th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the 7th September, 2008 and i came across your profile and services rendered more than a average performance and it is very okay by me. Please check your avalability for this date because I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. The venue address of the event is

New Jersey,  

  We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what w e only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that I can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap.

____

My response was…

Dear friend:

Congratulations to your wife on her 39th birthday.  It is a rare occasion indeed and one she won’t soon repeat until sometime next year.  I am honored that you have chosen my services for such a special occasion.  

Let me tell you a little bit about my dj service.  First of all, I’m an old school guy.  I’m not a big fan of today’s digital media and I feel that the old analog format has far superior sound quality when compared to today’s mp3 format.  This is why I use 8 track tape.  With 8 track, you don’t get any of the annoying pops or scratches that you encounter with vinyl records and the music conveniently fades down before clicking over to the next track and fading back up again.  

“What about new music,” you may ask?  Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of that by downloading new songs the old fashioned way.  I record them off of the radio, taking special care to cut out all commercials and  station chatter to give you the same pristeen quality you’re used to.  

I’ve also been playing around with a new technology called VHS tape.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but it is primarily used for recording movies and television.  A lot of people don’t realize this, but you can record just the audio onto these tapes and the result is far superior to that of cassette or 8 track tape.  A VHS tape can hold six to eight hours of music which is more than enough for your event.  I can start a tape, go have a couple of beers, come back later and the music will still be playing!  

Birthdays are a specialty of mine.  If you would like me to provide balloons or a public paddling of your wife for your invited guest, please specify the number of Cricket bats and her favorite color.  I got the idea from watching Animal House a few years ago and thought it would be a welcome addition to my services.  I would also like to recommend a wallet sized photo of your wife to prevent any embarrassing situations.

May I suggest that we meet before the event to discuss music selection.  Any local Starbucks in Nitro, West Virginia will due just fine.  I like to meet all of my clients before the event.  It’s what I like to call a personal touch.  (Plus it saves you a stamp and the trouble of mailing the deposit.)  My special method of downloading new songs onto tape could take some time if I have to wait for the station to play my request or my radio receives interference from an electrical storm during one of these sessions.  

Since I live in Canada, I’m not sure how I will move down there with all of my electronic equipment as you have suggested.  Maybe if you could provide me with a listing of apartment rentals in the area.

Here are a list of my demands…

4 hours of music, 1:00 – 5:00 PM  $2,000. 

1 VHS tape.  $4.99

1 airline ticket to Nitro, West Virginia  ???

U-Haul rental  $3,000.

Fuel charge @ projected market price of $7.00 per gal.

McDonalds Combo #1 or 3  (Supersized)  $8.99 + tx / coke

1 cricket bat   $89.99

1 bag of balloons  $1.23

1st and last months rent for an apartment in New Jersey.  ???

1 case of Molson Canadian Beer.

Please let me know if this meets your approval asap. as I have several other inquiries for that date.  I look forward to our meeting in Nitro, West Virginia.  I’ll buy the coffee!

After a successful night at the Halifax Comedy Festival, I headed back to my room, called my wife and started packing.  I usually don’t sleep the night before a travel day.  I’m  afraid of missing my flight.  I have a Bob and Tom All-Star Show sponsored by Canadian Mist that I don’t want to miss in Rapid City, South Dakota.

5:10  I’m downstairs in the lobby, all checked out and waiting for my ride to the airport.  

5:15  My driver shows up in a Lincoln Towne car, ready to take me to the airport.  We both nod at each other  with a look of recognition but we’ve never met.  He mumbles something  in broken english.  I nod.  He throws my bag into the trunk.  I get into the car and show him my travel voucher.  We both realise I am not Mr. Ericson.  He quickly removes my bags from the car just in time for the real Mr. Ericson to show up.

5:28  My real driver shows up in a yellow cab. It’s snowing like a bastard.  

6:07  We arrive at the airport.  The line up is huge.

6:39  I’m still in line and the cue stretches almost outside the door.

6:49  Air Canada has finally started moving the line.  I check in and dash through security.  

6:58  I’ve made it to the gate and the plane hasn’t left.  Thank God.

7:07  Something’s wrong.  They have no flight attendant.  Someone didn’t show up for work.

8:43  We have a flight attendant and we’re finally boarding.

10:13  We arrive in Toronto.  I’ve missed my connection for Rapid City, SD and maybe even the Bob and Tom All-Star Show.

11:05  I’m rebooked to Rapid City, 

5:53  Arrive in Detroit.  My flight out of Toronto was delayed.

7:10  Flight out of Detroit delayed.  

7:45  The plane’s spoiler isn’t working.  The mechanics are working on it.  It should only be about fifteen minutes.  Oh well.  Better on the ground than in the ground!

8:48  The mechanics are still working on getting the spoiler to work.  The spoiler is located on the wing.  The spoiler helps the plane ascend and descend.  It also makes the plane look cool.  The captain makes another announcement.  “This should only be about fifteen minutes more… “

9:08  People are fed up and leaving the plane.  The captain pleads for patience.  It should only be another fifteen minutes.

9:50  We’ve been on the plane for over two hours.  More people are leaving.

9:56  We’re all leaving the plane and getting on another one that works… hopefully. 

10:38  We’re getting ready to board.  Looks like I’ll be stuck in Minneapolis for the night.  Free travel vouchers for everyone!  Yeah!

I guess I had better focus on getting to Sioux Falls for the Saturday Night show.

1:38 am  (Central Time)  I finally check into a hotel in St. Paul.  I’ve been up now for more than forty-one hours straight.

7:45  My alarm goes off.  Time to shower, shave, and iron the same shirt.  

9:00  The shuttle picks me up and takes me to the airport

9:35  I arrive at the airport and try to check in.  My ticket has been cancelled.

Meanwhile, in Rapid City, they’ve called my name three times.  

“’PASSENGER GREG MORTON.  THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BOARD THIS FLIGHT  FOR MINNEAPOLIS…”

1:05   Arrive in Sioux Falls.  Luggage. Lost.  It’s in Rapid City, SD. 

I’d like to thank Kendal Maffett and of Outback Concerts and my wife for their continued support during this whole ordeal.

Wow!  Great audience last night.   I met a lot of nice people after the show.  The Comedy All-Stars show was outstanding.  In fact, it was so good I stood outside and asked people for extra money.  

… they laughed and kept walking.

I should have more details in my blog next week, plus some photos so tuned to this blog.

I’ve got to get some sleep.  I’ve got a 5:30 am pick-up for the airport.