Separated at Birth

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One time, I was all dressed up, flying to this gig and I hadn’t slept the night before so I fell asleep in my chair. Next thing I know, someone is shaking me and calling my name. “Jay-Z? JAY-Z!? The flight attendant actually thought I was Jay Z because as we all know, Jay Z always flys coach.

Viva Lostalgia

p1010024.jpgMy wife and I were in Vegas last week and even though we’ve only been coming here for the past ten years, I felt a little nostalgic for the old Vegas. Not the Bugsy Siegel Vegas, but the less crowded Vegas of ten years ago.

Seven thousand new people move to Las Vegas every month, and of those seven thousand, six thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine of them can’t drive. The sign at the outskirts of town should read, ‘Welcome to Las Vegas, Where the worst drivers in the world come to rent a car.’ Sometimes I think i’d be better off renting a tank.

I usually rent a KIA because it’s the cheapest thing they have and I’m a cheap bastard. . My gambling budget for the week was three dollars on the nickel machines at Caesars. At this rate, we should get comped a free meal in about twenty-seven years.

In my act, I always complain about how good customer service is going to hell. In fact, I bet you’ld find better customer service in hell than you would on earth.

“Excuse me, Mr. Satan, would you mind sticking me in the ass with that pitch fork while lighting the rest of me on fire?”

“Why I’d be more than happy to Mr. Morton. I’ll even throw in some of our best eternal hell fire, fresh from the Lake of Fire.”

“Thank you Mr. Satan. Could you please tell me why in hell can’t I get this kind of service on earth?”

“Because the real hell is on earth Mr. Morton, that’s why!”

Well, imagine my surprise when I walked into Budget rental car agency in Las Vegas and my new good friend Kirby, upgraded me from a four cylinder KIA to a brand new, red metallic , Ford Mustang convertible! Now I’m tearing up from all the nostalgia because the new Mustang has that great retro styling that is reminiscent of the 60’s pony car.

I love the Ford Mustang! I wouldn’t want to sit in the back of one unless you bound and gagged me, but I love the Ford Mustang. When I was a kid, the Ford Mustang was my favourite car. I used to have a model of the 67’ fastback on my book shelf. I vowed that one day, if I ever had the money or a mid life crisis, I would buy a Ford Mustang. Well, it’s been forty years and I own a Ford Focus. What happened? I told you I was a cheap bastard.

As you may know, I perform at the Comedy Stop at the Tropicana which was celebrating it’s 50th anniversary. When I look at the old photographs on the walls, it’s difficult not to feel a little nostalgic. Then the bathtub in my hotel room backs up at six in the morning and starts spewing grey sludge accompanied by a strong sulphur smell and the nostalgia quickly passes.

The Tropicana hotel is so old it has its own smell. It’s not a grandmother’s house smell, but more of a stale nutty roasted smell. ( I’m guessing that’s from fifty years of cigarette smoke.) The tar from all the nicotine is probably the only glue holding the old girl together.

Actually, maybe it does smell a little like grandma. Some of the original cocktail waitresses still work there. “Here’s a tip honey. Why don’t you go buy yourself some new bridge work?”

Screw this nostalgia crap. If I was performing here fifty years ago, I wouldn’t even be allowed to walk through the casino let alone stay in one of their rooms. I want to feel like I’m living in the 21st century and not a museum. Somebody please implode this son of a bitch and put it out of its misery. Viva New Las Vegas! Sometimes, the good ole’ days ain’t so good.

Whoosh! That was the sound of my nostalgic feeling quickly passing.

Crackers Broad Ripple Review

Morton continues to delight
by Steve Carr Mar 7, 2007

Greg Morton
Crackers Broad Ripple
Feb. 28-March 4

Despite making his third appearance at the Broad Ripple Crackers since October, Greg Morton isn’t overstaying his welcome. Last Thursday, playing to a college-night room that was half empty but fully charged, Morton alternately charmed and challenged the crowd with an act whose dark edginess is masked by a goofy, cartoonish delivery that was nearly age-appropriate.

Morton, a former animator and cartoon voice actor, packs his act with the rubber-boned, insta-recovery violence that is the staple of Saturday morning cartoons. When Morton is on the mic, children usually take it on the chin. They’re beaten, scolded and humiliated for laughs. Repeatedly. Morton lives in a world where having white carpet is effective contraception.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he comforted the crowd. “I like children. I’m just saying if you want to have them … don’t.”

Opener Claude Stewart was an ideal pairing: a loose-limbed, spiky-haired, high-kicking ham who kept the audience on edge with a sex-heavy, ambiguous act that answered the question, what would Andy Dick be like if he had hair gel and a home gym. As Carrot Top is to Gallagher, Claude Stewart is to Andy Dick. Horny midgets, industrial sex toys, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey all made cameos.

“You’re all staring at me like I’m an Amish person at Radio Shack,” he admonished a crowd that was befuddled, but not so befuddled they couldn’t laugh.

Morton closed the night with his two signature bits, lightning fast recaps of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings followed by a montage of musical impersonations that included full costumes and eventually revealed that he took the stage in three pairs of pants and a double-dose of underwear. That alone was worth the price of admission.

Shameless Plug

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On June 26, 2007, Shout! Factory will release The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 on DVD.

Why am I excited? I’m excited because it was one of my favorite games. I think my wife bought it for my birthday. I spent countless hours in front of the TV, bouncing, spinning and floating through countless levels while my wife studied for law school.

The Adventures of Super Maio Bros. 3 was also one of the first shows that I worked on as a voice director. It may mean that I’ll receive a check in the mail.

The show was released in 1991. I think I was 15 years old at the time and I consider it some of my best work. If you know anything about animated characters, you know how difficult they are to work with. “What’s my motivation?” Where’s my trailer and my green M&Ms? Where’s my other finger, why do I only have three fingers and a thumb? Why do I have to keep driving past the same house in this scene, over and over again?”. It’s enough to drive a poor animation director mad. Like Hitchcock used to say, “Disney had the right idea, if you don’t like an actor, you can just tear him up!”

The animated series spans three discs with 26 full-length episodes, and will feature tons of bonus materials and extra features. Suggested Retail Price is just $29.98.

The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 DVD will feature the following bonus materials:

Interactive The Adventures Of Super Mario Bros.® 3 Writers Bible
Learn the backstory of The Adventures Of Super Mario Bros.® 3
Meet the Marios & Koopas
Visit the worlds
View the artwork from concept to final
Hear the original music, and more

KLAQ

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Buzz, Teresa, Duke, Greg, & Monster

Special thanks to the KLAQ morning crew for a fun Friday morning! Check out their new CD “Da Pinchy Code,” which includes my tribute to Lord of the Rings.

Cuba Trip Advisory

My wife and I have always wanted to go on a photo expedition. You know? Like the photographers from National Geographic, Time, or Newsweek Magazine? (Minus the Daniel Pearl part, of course.)

We chose Cuba because we heard that it was safe. One of the locals told us that Cuba has 3 million people. 1 million citizens, 2 million police. Very safe!

We also heard that Fidel Castro is very sick, and we were afraid that the place would completely change after he dies. You know, McDonalds on every corner, Starbucks, Check cashing places…

Of course, if the old man did croak while we were there, what a wonderful opportunity to snap some shots of a nation in mourning. Real Pulitzer Prize winning stuff.

My wife visited the the trip advisor on line and found out lots of things to worry about that would keep us from having fun. Things like, don’t eat the local food, or drink the local tap water. We decided to bring these low fat snacks to munch on late at night if we became hungry, and a large bottle of Purel hand sanitiser.

My wife was so anal about getting sick that she policed everything I ate. “Don’t eat the local vegetables, they could have been washed in tap water.” “Take those ice cubes out of your glass! You’ll get Hepatitis!” She was like Kate Blanchette in Babel.

Every night we went to bed starving, thinking, “I wish Fidel would hurry up and croak so we can get a half decent hamburger or a good cup of coffee around here. Thank God my wife brought a whole bag of those delicious low fat chocolates.

Then on the last day of the trip, after all that worrying, my wife was the one who got sick. The funny thing is, I don’t think it had anything to do with Cuba. I think it was the low fat chocolates. They probably contained Olestra!